I am paranoid.

All my life, I have acted as if I had a plan. As if I was deeply passionate about something. As if I knew where I was going. But whenever it came time to actually become good at anything, I always fell short.

Even the best outcomes I have received were often not the result of reaching what I wanted, but of failing to reach something bigger.

Why is that?

Because I was never really able to assess myself properly. I never had the confidence to believe I was good at the things I was actually good at. And I never had the courage to admit my weaknesses clearly, to myself.

I was too easily influenced. Too easily attracted by whatever felt new. I kept running after things as if they mattered. But most of them did not. I was not pursuing purpose. I was borrowing the feeling of purpose.

And so I live inside this paranoia, constantly asking myself: why haven’t I done more? I should have done more, shouldn’t I?

No.

I should not have.